Essentially worthless

So I'm tooling around the iTunes store, which is a pretty new experience for me since until fairly recently I was dead set against the idea of digitizing my music collection. I came across an ad for something called "iTunes Essentials: '00s Alternative Rock" and foolishly clicked on it.

It's a good thing the world didn't end on the even of the new millennium.

Okay, I'm with you so far.

Had the '00s never happened we wouldn't have watched alternative rock turn from a tidal wave of down-tuned guitars, turntable stabs, and spiteful screams (Limp Bizkit, Papa Roach, Linkin Park)

Hey, wait a minute. Since when are these guys alternative rock? What exactly are they an alternative to? Not sucking?

to a cucumber-cool revival of garage rock grittiness (the Hives, the Strokes, the White Stripes)

Okay, it's getting better. I love me some garage rock.

and steely post-punk (Interpol, Franz Ferdinand).

I have no idea what "steely post-punk" means.

Oh, and who can forget the emergence of Coldplay, one of the most majestic rock bands of the last five years?

First of all, save me this cloying "Oh, and who can forget" crap, as if you were going to pass up the chance to pimp fucking Coldplay again, iTunes. Oh, and who can forget that the one billionth song sold on iTunes was "Speed of Sound". How embarrassing for that guy - who was Alex Ostrovsky of West Bloomfield, MI, by the way. Imagine that street cred he would have gotten if he had downloaded something obscurely cool. The art school girls would have come running. Instead, he's just another loser who downloaded fucking Coldplay.

Second of all, the only people who think fucking Coldplay are "majestic" are the ones who think U2 is a great rock band instead of Bon Jovi with better musicians.

And third, it's fucking Coldplay.